Product Quality Review: Baby

I spent five years working as a technical writer, during which time I wrote many reports summarizing the quality of manufactured goods. Here is the Product Quality Review for a recent product I've reviewed in depth: BABY.

Product Quality Review
Product: Baby

Issue 1: Leaky Milk Intake Valve
This one-way valve frequently malfunctions, causing milk to eject from the unit unpredictably and with messy results for the user.

Issue 2: Confusing User Interface
The user interface on this unit is quite visually appealing, but is complicated to use. The unit makes limited sounds, so the same sound can mean the unit is happy, wet, upset, or tired. Work on programming system to identify and communicate needs clearly. Until then, include an instruction manual!

Issue 3: Waste Output System is Uncontrollable
The user cannot control the timing of system waste output. Waste is ejected unpredictably in any amount at any time. Terribly inconvenient, especially paired with the leaky milk valve in #1.

Issue 4: Sleep Mode is Unreliable
The unit's sleep mode is quite challenging to enable, as the process for enabling it changes randomly. Once the unit is in sleep mode, the length of sleep is quite variably- sometimes 20 minutes, sometimes 3 hours. A reliable, simple process for enabling sleep mode is highly desired.

Issue 5: High Energy Input Required
This unit requires quite high energy levels from the user. Fixing sleep mode in #4 will significantly improve this issue. Develop more energy-efficient modes for this unit.

Issue 6: Alarm Mode is Touchy
Product will sound alarm mode randomly, loudly, and without warning. Volume control, snooze function, and off-switch would be significant improvements.

Overall Assessment: QUALITY PRODUCT- HIGHLY RECOMMEND!
Product comes highly recommended! An extremely attractive interface with innovative design features like smile and laugh modes (see image 1, below). The cuddle function is great, too. The engineers in the toddler division suggest that many of the issues with BABY product will be resolved with time.

The best laid plans of mice and new parents

Recently Tim and I planned to trade night feedings for the 8 week old who is still up 2-3 times a night. Here was our genius, fairly simple plan:

1. Baby goes to sleep.
2. After 4 or so hours, baby wakes up hungry
3. Nissa gets up to feed and change baby and put him back to sleep. Tim sleeps
4. Baby sleeps for 2-3 hours
5. Tim gets up to bottle feed baby, change baby, and put him to sleep. Nissa sleeps
6. Hopefully baby sleeps more. Everyone gets up in the morning happy and refreshed

Great plan, right? Some really great intended outcomes:
A. Baby's needs are met
B. mom and dad each get a much  extended stretch of sleep
C.-Z. Did I mention the extra parental sleep?

Alas, as Jack Reacher says, " no plan ever survives first contact with the enemy." Here's how things actually went down those two nights:

Night 1
9:30pm baby goes to sleep. So far so good.
First feeding:  Nissa wakes up to find Tim gone. Keys and shoes are gone, and a text confirms a fire call (the good news being that both mama and baby slept through the fire pager going off!). So much for dad taking first feeding. Mama and baby do the feeding, changing, swaddling, back to sleep routine.
Second feeding: Nissa wakes up to find a man in the bed, and screams bloody murder before realizing it's just Tim and she didn't hear him come home. Good thing the baby was already awake or he'd have had quite a rude awakening. Since Tim had been been awake for about 4 hours at this call, he needed to sleep and thus couldn't take the second feeding, either.

Result: Tim loses sleep from a fire call. Nissa still gets up for every feeding. Everyone is scared silly by Nissa screaming. The extra sleep plan was 0% successful.

Night 2
First feeding: Nissa wakes up and feeds baby. Tim sleeps. All is well.
Second feeding: Tim wakes up and prepares a bottle of pumped breastmilk for baby. Feeds 3/4 of bottle to baby. Fire pager goes off. Tim wakes up Nissa to finish feeding baby and leaves for the fire station.

Result: Tim loses sleep from hours at a fire. Nissa still had to get up for every feeding. 2% successful.

Babies and on call jobs: preventing sleep since always. Fortunately, the baby's sleep length is trending upward. This is just a phase. Now the fire pager, not a phase, but unlike babies, it has an off switch.

No more plans for now. We've learned our lesson.

Thoughts I have while swimming in a hotel pool

Thoughts I have while swimming in a hotel pool:

1. This pool is huge for a hotel!
2. And I have it all to myself!! Yes!!
3. Man, is it shallow!!
4. Man, is it cold!
5. I think I'll swim some laps.
6. I can't do flip turns in water this shallow or I'll knock myself out on the floor.
7. Maybe I'll do a lap of each IM stroke!
8. I forgot how hard butterfly is.
9. Seriously, how can  like 10 yards of butterfly make me this exhausted?
10. I forgot how terrible I am at breast stroke. My knees don't bend right for this!
11. Why do I do IM sets when I'm terrible at half the strokes?
12. Maybe I'll do a hot tub set!
13. Man, is this hot tub shallow!
14. I can sit on the floor in here and still breathe it's so shallow.
15. Man, they really could turn the heat up in this hot tub.
16. Too bad I don't have ten other people with me to run in circles in the pool and try to make a whirlpool.
17. Too bad I don't have ten other people here to play foot tag with me.
18. I'm turning blue from cold, time to get out.
19. Where do they get such tiny towels?
20. Where do they get such scratchy towels?
21. Why do the pool towels always have a blue stripe? Why not green or orange or polka dots?
22. Let's do this again tomorrow before check out!

How to Make Small Talk with a Pregnant Woman

So I'm pregnant. (Surprise!) In the last few months I've noticed something odd: people don't seem to know how to talk with a pregnant woman. At church, in the office, in line at the grocery store. What do you say to her?

Many people seem to be completely stumped as to how to converse with a woman who is with child. This is evidenced by A) inappropriate comments or questions or B) the same comments and questions every time. So to ease your discomfort (and hers!), I've prepared this handy guide on How to Make Small Talk with a Pregnant Woman*.  Enjoy!

*This guide assumes that you already know she is pregnant. If you are unsure, please reference my prior post on when it is appropriate to ask a woman if she's pregnant.  (Spoiler alert, the answer is never.)

1. Boring is better than offensive. The same 3 questions do get old. Very old. "How are you feeling? When are you due? Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?" But, I'd prefer to answer the same question the 50th time than to try to navigate a response to something that is inappropriate or offensive. When you tell me that I'm "as big as a house", do I answer with the snarky, sarcastic comments that probably aren't quite right for Sunday morning coffee hour, or do I laugh and pretend you aren't a jerk? Stick with asking when I'm due. You don't remember the answer from the last 6 times you asked, anyway.

2. Put your comments through the "Would my wife smack me if I said this to her" test. This handy test can help you avoid making the offensive comments from number 1. Before you let words out of your mouth, ask yourself if your wife (or mother, sister, friend, etc) would get upset hearing them. How would it go telling your wife that she's "getting HUGE" or is "as big as a house!" Where would you sleep that night? If a comment would make your wife upset, please don't say it to a hormonal, emotional woman. She might very well smack you, too.

3. Make sure your question doesn't make you look like an idiot. My 3 year old niece commonly asks me "do you still have that baby in your tummy?" It's adorable- because she's 3 and clearly doesn't have a firm grasp on the concept of pregnancy. When adults ask "you still haven't had that baby yet?" it just makes them seem... unintelligent. Do they think I already had the baby, but just left it in the car?
The same is true of the question "do you know what you're having?" Yes, I know what I'm having- it's a baby. Not a kitten or a koala or a basketball. Seriously- I know you mean to ask if I know the sex of the baby, but you literally just asked me WHAT might emerge from my nether regions. Even the 3 year-old knows it will be a baby.

4. Leave the horror stories for Halloween. Please. We don't want to hear about your 90 hour labor, or the cousin's friend who gave birth to a 15 pound baby and hasn't walked normally since then. Carrying and birthing a baby is scary enough without your story waking me up sobbing in the middle of the night. Just don't.

5. Don't ask a  question you don't want an honest answer to. There are parts of my pregnancy that you, kind almost-stranger, don't really want to know about. And I can't guarantee what sort of mood I'll be in when you ask. I could give you the polite answer, or you could get an entire list of every discomfort I've experienced AND every fear I have for the birthing room. There are some questions you'd best avoid if you're not prepared for a conversation about bodily fluids, functions, and parts.

6. Let the future miseries stay in the future. I am fully aware that when the baby comes I will not get very much sleep. I realize that my body will still have quirks and discomforts after the baby is born. I know parenting will be hard. You don't need to point it out to me. Especially not after I've made a comment about the current things I'm experiencing. My comment that I'm tired is really just an answer to how I'm feeling, not an invitation for you to tell me how much MORE tired I'll be at 2am a month from now when I haven't slept for more than 45 minutes at a time in weeks. The fact that I will be miserable in the future doesn't actually change the fact that I am somewhat miserable now. I AM tired now, even if I will be more tired tomorrow.

7. Don't fixate on our bodies. We are well aware of our bodies. Please let part of our conversation be about something OTHER than our growing bellies, swollen limbs, and tired feet. We are WELL aware of them. Our spirits, intellect, and emotions are also part of this whole baby growing thing we've got going on: feel free to ask us how we're coping, what we're excited about, or what we've found unexpected in this process.

8. Regular stuff is not off limits! Believe it or not, pregnant women are actually aware of the world beyond themselves. It is 100% acceptable to have a 'regular' conversation about weather, office shenanigans, or funny stories with a pregnant woman. If you're feeling stuck still, here are some great conversation starters that anyone would appreciate:

• Have you seen [the newest movie]? I've heard it's great!
• If you had unlimited money to take one vacation this year, where would you go and what would you do?
• What are you looking forward to about the next year?
• What's your favorite smell?
• I'm not sure what to make for dinner tonight. What is your family having?

I hope this helpful guide has prepared you for wonderful conversations with the mothers-to-be in your life! I'd love to hear stories of your successes (or failures) in this area.
Happy conversing!
Nissa

How to Name a Baby

Now that the little peanut I'm incubating is getting close to joining the real world, the topic of baby names has been front and center in my mind.

Naming a human being is hard. Much harder than naming, say, a Barbie doll or stuffed animal, which is where most of my naming expertise lies.  I did once sit on a 7-person committee to name 5 kittens, but when there are more people than cats, you end up with your Mom declaring that one is named Fred, but spelled "Phred," and since you're only 12 you don't get a veto.

Fortunately, when you're naming a baby you're usually only on a committee of 2 or less. With major veto power. But it is still hard, so I've compiled this handy guide.

How to Name a Baby

1. Start when you're little. Imagine the name you'll give to your theoretical progeny. Write it in your diary. Tell your sister and your best friend. Like in Anne of Green Gables, where she decides that she wants to name her kids 'Denim' and 'Lace.' Get angry at anyone who ever says they like that name, because it is YOURS.

2. Once you find yourself in a situation where you are actually in charge of naming a human, eagerly pull out your childhood list of what you've been planning on naming children before puberty was even a speck on the horizon.

3. Gape in astonishment at your significant other (SO) when he tells you he doesn't have any sort of similar list. Apparently he hasn't been daydreaming about his theoretical future children since reading Anne of Green Gables (make a note to ask if he has ever actually READ Anne of Green Gables).

4. Realize that ALL the names on your list are actually terrible names. Especially 'Denim' and 'Lace.'  Maybe they were great for your Barbie dolls, but not for an actual human being born in this century.

5. Since your only existing list is now worthless, you have to create a new one with your SO. Buy or borrow a book of baby names. Take to the internet. Millions of names exist! Or can be created! Clearly the best way to find the RIGHT one is to look through all of them. In list form. EVERY SINGLE ONE.

6. Quickly get bored and overwhelmed by reading through alphabetical lists of names. Give up.

7. Realize you can't actually give up, because this human needs a name.

8. Make a plan that you and your SO will each make a list of your top 10 names and share them with each other before democratically narrowing down the choices and agreeing blissfully on the perfect name with no disagreement at all.

9. Make your list that day, and wait approximately forever for your SO's list.

10. While waiting for your SO's list, randomly ask him how he feels about a particular name. Perhaps particular names that happen to be on your own list. Ask both randomly and frequently. In the middle of dinner, when he gets home from work at 6 am, in the waiting room at the prenatal appointment, in the car on the way to church.

11. Spend more energy coming up with terrible names than actual possibilities of real names. Pick real winners, like 'Peter Peterson' and 'Schmarzando Nard.' Or Rocket.

DISCLAIMER: Ok, so at this point I feel that I should let you all know that I haven't ever completed this process. I've never successfully named a human. You've probably realized that I'm not an expert, but I'm also unexperienced. I've named a few dolls, and creatively dubbed my pink teddy bear 'Pinky', but no humans. Aside from snarky nicknames, of course, but those are usually secret, something for which Captain Fussypants Magoo would be grateful if they knew who they were.

Since I've never gotten this far, here's what I imagine goes down in the hospital after baby arrives:

12. After baby is born, scrap everything you'd decided prior to this point.

13. Select a name that wasn't ever being considered but you can both sort of agree on before the deadline for filling out the birth certificate.

14. Prepare yourself for a barrage of comments on why the name you picked was actually the worst. Decide you don't care, and get on with the joy of taking care of a baby, which should be a walk in the park now that the baby has a name.  (That's how it works, right?)

I hope this guide is extremely helpful for all of you struggling to name a human.
Best of luck to you!
Nissa

Why everyone is wrong about Winter

Everyone is wrong about winter.  But not in the way you think.

You probably know the big 3 of winter- snow, ice, and cold.  People love to complain about them.  We celebrate when the temperature rises, we curse the snow, we do everything we can to stay inside and keep warm.

There are tons of people who LOVE winter, and spend their winter months trying to convince everyone to get out and enjoy it.  Go skiing, they say!  Find a sled, some snowshoes, some ice skates- winter is only dull if you stay inside and don't enjoy it!  Dress well, they say!  'There's no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing' they say!

I don't entirely disagree with these people- winter activities can be quite enjoyable.  But, these people miss the point about the true enemy of winter.

Here is the truth about the TRUE enemy of winter.  It is NOT snow, it is NOT cold, it is NOT ice.

For the average person, the TRUE ENEMY of winter is STATIC ELECTRICITY.

Note 1: For those facing homelessness, hunger, and poverty cold IS actually a very deadly enemy.  Please consider contributing to organizations that provide shelter and warm clothing for them.  I recommend Interfaith Outreach and Community Partners, http://iocp.org/, a Twin Cities organization which provides services to help people rise out of poverty and thrive.  
Note 2: For those at risk of injury in case of a fall, ice IS the enemy.  Encourage your older friends and relatives to stay safe, and consider visiting them so they are not isolated by maintaining their safety.

Let me explain how static is the true enemy.  Snow and ice and cold can be avoided.  It is easy enough to stay inside with a blanket and cup of cocoa.  Yes, winter driving is the worst, but once you get where you're going, you are free from the terror of the roads until you go back outside.  The big 3 are avoidable through hibernation.  But static- static is unavoidable.

Static is everywhere.  You don't leave it outside like the snow and ice.  Blankets just make it worse.  Snow isn't a personal attack on you. But STATIC is personal.  Static comes into your home to threaten you at the most innocuous of times.

Here are ways that static has cruelly and personally injured me:

• Static shocks me inside of my ears when I put on my headphones.
• Static shocks both myself and my husband EVERY TIME I try to kiss him in the winter months.  This is cruel not only because of the pain to the sensitive skin of your lips, but because of the deep distrust of kisses it instills in us during the winter.
• Static shocks me every time I close my car door. Regardless of the fact that I'm wearing gloves, or try to close the car door with my elbow.  Every time.
• Static won't allow me to safely remove my clothes from the dryer. 
• Static shocks me through the handles of every grocery cart throughout the winter.  Again, oblivious to gloves or rubber handles, static follows me around the grocery story reminding me again and again and again who's truly in charge here.

Does snow injure you when you caress your lover?  Does ice follow you through your home?  Of course not!  I tell you, friends, the true scourge of winter is static electricity.  It is rampant, it is hostile, and it is inescapable.  What has static done to you?

So, dear friends, I urge you to share the truth of the true scourge of winter.  

Stay grounded,

Nissa

Clairvoyant advice for entering the "Real World"

I know that Spring is usually the time for doling out unsolicited advice to young people about to encounter life outside the comforts of paid-for academia, but a recent conversation with some college students has convinced me that young people need to know what the first decade of the 'real world' will actually be like.

Certainly there will be variety in every young person's life, but based on a highly-scientific survey of my own life and the public, social media lives of friends, the following is an accurate portrayal of what will happen upon entering the real world.

1.  You will gain 10-50 pounds.  This will be an accident.  A very gradual accident.  Your sedentary lifestyle and inability to prepare anything other than ramen noodles will team up with your aging body to deposit all of those empty carbs around your waist and chin.

2.  You will make significant healthy lifestyle changes.  This will largely be in response to the pounds gained from #1.  You will buy vegetables- and eat them.  You will cook real food.  You will start exercising- and it will probably be running, because running is free.  You might be ambitious and try Cross Fit or yoga, but probably running (again, free).  A 'couch to 5K' program will probably be studied on the internet as part of this process.  You will find a friend to motivate you and lose 5-40 of those pounds.  Be proud of this.

3. You will cut your hair short.  Ok, this one is for the ladies.  You will take a big risk and cut your hair significantly shorter than you've ever had it before.  You'll be terrified, but you will LOVE it.  And you will probably never go back to long hair.  But it's OK because your new cut is divinely adorable.

4. You will get a job.  Probably a series of jobs.  If you are lucky, you will love your job (at least most of the time).  But you might hate it.  If you hate it, use the opportunity to learn something about yourself- work conditions that are best for, skills you have, what gives meaning to your work.  Take all those things you learned to help you present a better resume and more confident candidate for the next job you get.  Maybe one you like more.  Maybe one you find meaningful.  Proudly be of a younger generation that would rather do meaningful work, even if it means a little less money.  We'd rather eat ramen forever than help some fat cat CEOs get another yacht.  Get ready world- the new generation's workforce will change the system.

5. You will acquire a new roommate/fiancee/spouse/child/house/dog/cat.  Some or all of these will happen to you.  But no matter how many happen in whatever period of time, you'll have that one Facebook friend who achieves EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. bigger, faster, and better than you.  Fortunately, it's not a race.  So de-friend that person and move on with your life.

6. You will find a 'thing'.  It will be your thing.  Not something you do to pad a resume or because your best friend wanted to but needed you to join too.  You will do it because you've paid attention to your personality, your joys, and your likes.  You will do it because you want to and because you enjoy it.  Maybe your thing is yoga.  Or brewing beer.  Or knitting or juggling on a unicycle, or solving Rubik's cubes, or volunteering at a soup kitchen, or reading theology.  Whatever it is, enjoy it deeply.  And then annoy your friends by telling them in agonizing detail about your obscure new love.

7. You will acquire a bunch of stuff.  And then try to get rid of it.  It's a vicious cycle.  Your older friends and relatives will give you hand-me-down furniture, cookware, and stuff to fill your new residence.  You may even purchase some of it yourself (not recommended).  You will quickly realize that you have too much stuff, 90% of which you do not use.  That margarita maker turns out to make more dust bunnies than delicious drinks.  The super cute serving platter doesn't fit in your cupboard and it turns out you don't 'entertain' as much as you expected (or ever...).  So you'll spend the next 10 years trying to foist on younger friends and relatives all of the junk that you let older friends and relatives foist on you.

8. You'll do some growing up.  This part is hard and messy.  And sort of embarrassing because you realize how immature and stupid you used to be.  But you'll be grateful to learn from who you were, and you'll be super glad you don't have to go back to when you were so young and stupid.  You might repair relationships, or get out of unhealthy ones.  You might quit drinking or partying.  You might go back to your faith.  Don't be afraid to dig deep into the ugly corners.  You won't want those things to come to light because you don't want to see them, but giving them light helps you set them down.  The ugly things in the corners are best to deal with early, because they get heavier and harder to deal with the longer they are ignored in dark, dusty corners.  Don't do this one alone.  Get a therapist, a counselor, a pastor, or a trusted friend.  This needs to be someone who won't put up with your BS.  Someone who will challenge you as well as comfort you.

Be you and be bold!  Life in the real world isn't what you expect, and it's hard.  But it's also good and wonderful and offers you opportunities you didn't have as a student.  Take risks, but take smart ones.  Slow down, use your time on things that matter.  Life is fun and life is hard.  If it ever becomes one more than the other, talk to someone.  You aren't in this alone.

Good luck!  And let me know how it goes!
Nissa