Why everyone is wrong about Winter

Everyone is wrong about winter.  But not in the way you think.

You probably know the big 3 of winter- snow, ice, and cold.  People love to complain about them.  We celebrate when the temperature rises, we curse the snow, we do everything we can to stay inside and keep warm.

There are tons of people who LOVE winter, and spend their winter months trying to convince everyone to get out and enjoy it.  Go skiing, they say!  Find a sled, some snowshoes, some ice skates- winter is only dull if you stay inside and don't enjoy it!  Dress well, they say!  'There's no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing' they say!

I don't entirely disagree with these people- winter activities can be quite enjoyable.  But, these people miss the point about the true enemy of winter.

Here is the truth about the TRUE enemy of winter.  It is NOT snow, it is NOT cold, it is NOT ice.

For the average person, the TRUE ENEMY of winter is STATIC ELECTRICITY.

Note 1: For those facing homelessness, hunger, and poverty cold IS actually a very deadly enemy.  Please consider contributing to organizations that provide shelter and warm clothing for them.  I recommend Interfaith Outreach and Community Partners, http://iocp.org/, a Twin Cities organization which provides services to help people rise out of poverty and thrive.  
Note 2: For those at risk of injury in case of a fall, ice IS the enemy.  Encourage your older friends and relatives to stay safe, and consider visiting them so they are not isolated by maintaining their safety.

Let me explain how static is the true enemy.  Snow and ice and cold can be avoided.  It is easy enough to stay inside with a blanket and cup of cocoa.  Yes, winter driving is the worst, but once you get where you're going, you are free from the terror of the roads until you go back outside.  The big 3 are avoidable through hibernation.  But static- static is unavoidable.

Static is everywhere.  You don't leave it outside like the snow and ice.  Blankets just make it worse.  Snow isn't a personal attack on you. But STATIC is personal.  Static comes into your home to threaten you at the most innocuous of times.

Here are ways that static has cruelly and personally injured me:

• Static shocks me inside of my ears when I put on my headphones.
• Static shocks both myself and my husband EVERY TIME I try to kiss him in the winter months.  This is cruel not only because of the pain to the sensitive skin of your lips, but because of the deep distrust of kisses it instills in us during the winter.
• Static shocks me every time I close my car door. Regardless of the fact that I'm wearing gloves, or try to close the car door with my elbow.  Every time.
• Static won't allow me to safely remove my clothes from the dryer. 
• Static shocks me through the handles of every grocery cart throughout the winter.  Again, oblivious to gloves or rubber handles, static follows me around the grocery story reminding me again and again and again who's truly in charge here.

Does snow injure you when you caress your lover?  Does ice follow you through your home?  Of course not!  I tell you, friends, the true scourge of winter is static electricity.  It is rampant, it is hostile, and it is inescapable.  What has static done to you?

So, dear friends, I urge you to share the truth of the true scourge of winter.  

Stay grounded,

Nissa

Clairvoyant advice for entering the "Real World"

I know that Spring is usually the time for doling out unsolicited advice to young people about to encounter life outside the comforts of paid-for academia, but a recent conversation with some college students has convinced me that young people need to know what the first decade of the 'real world' will actually be like.

Certainly there will be variety in every young person's life, but based on a highly-scientific survey of my own life and the public, social media lives of friends, the following is an accurate portrayal of what will happen upon entering the real world.

1.  You will gain 10-50 pounds.  This will be an accident.  A very gradual accident.  Your sedentary lifestyle and inability to prepare anything other than ramen noodles will team up with your aging body to deposit all of those empty carbs around your waist and chin.

2.  You will make significant healthy lifestyle changes.  This will largely be in response to the pounds gained from #1.  You will buy vegetables- and eat them.  You will cook real food.  You will start exercising- and it will probably be running, because running is free.  You might be ambitious and try Cross Fit or yoga, but probably running (again, free).  A 'couch to 5K' program will probably be studied on the internet as part of this process.  You will find a friend to motivate you and lose 5-40 of those pounds.  Be proud of this.

3. You will cut your hair short.  Ok, this one is for the ladies.  You will take a big risk and cut your hair significantly shorter than you've ever had it before.  You'll be terrified, but you will LOVE it.  And you will probably never go back to long hair.  But it's OK because your new cut is divinely adorable.

4. You will get a job.  Probably a series of jobs.  If you are lucky, you will love your job (at least most of the time).  But you might hate it.  If you hate it, use the opportunity to learn something about yourself- work conditions that are best for, skills you have, what gives meaning to your work.  Take all those things you learned to help you present a better resume and more confident candidate for the next job you get.  Maybe one you like more.  Maybe one you find meaningful.  Proudly be of a younger generation that would rather do meaningful work, even if it means a little less money.  We'd rather eat ramen forever than help some fat cat CEOs get another yacht.  Get ready world- the new generation's workforce will change the system.

5. You will acquire a new roommate/fiancee/spouse/child/house/dog/cat.  Some or all of these will happen to you.  But no matter how many happen in whatever period of time, you'll have that one Facebook friend who achieves EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. bigger, faster, and better than you.  Fortunately, it's not a race.  So de-friend that person and move on with your life.

6. You will find a 'thing'.  It will be your thing.  Not something you do to pad a resume or because your best friend wanted to but needed you to join too.  You will do it because you've paid attention to your personality, your joys, and your likes.  You will do it because you want to and because you enjoy it.  Maybe your thing is yoga.  Or brewing beer.  Or knitting or juggling on a unicycle, or solving Rubik's cubes, or volunteering at a soup kitchen, or reading theology.  Whatever it is, enjoy it deeply.  And then annoy your friends by telling them in agonizing detail about your obscure new love.

7. You will acquire a bunch of stuff.  And then try to get rid of it.  It's a vicious cycle.  Your older friends and relatives will give you hand-me-down furniture, cookware, and stuff to fill your new residence.  You may even purchase some of it yourself (not recommended).  You will quickly realize that you have too much stuff, 90% of which you do not use.  That margarita maker turns out to make more dust bunnies than delicious drinks.  The super cute serving platter doesn't fit in your cupboard and it turns out you don't 'entertain' as much as you expected (or ever...).  So you'll spend the next 10 years trying to foist on younger friends and relatives all of the junk that you let older friends and relatives foist on you.

8. You'll do some growing up.  This part is hard and messy.  And sort of embarrassing because you realize how immature and stupid you used to be.  But you'll be grateful to learn from who you were, and you'll be super glad you don't have to go back to when you were so young and stupid.  You might repair relationships, or get out of unhealthy ones.  You might quit drinking or partying.  You might go back to your faith.  Don't be afraid to dig deep into the ugly corners.  You won't want those things to come to light because you don't want to see them, but giving them light helps you set them down.  The ugly things in the corners are best to deal with early, because they get heavier and harder to deal with the longer they are ignored in dark, dusty corners.  Don't do this one alone.  Get a therapist, a counselor, a pastor, or a trusted friend.  This needs to be someone who won't put up with your BS.  Someone who will challenge you as well as comfort you.

Be you and be bold!  Life in the real world isn't what you expect, and it's hard.  But it's also good and wonderful and offers you opportunities you didn't have as a student.  Take risks, but take smart ones.  Slow down, use your time on things that matter.  Life is fun and life is hard.  If it ever becomes one more than the other, talk to someone.  You aren't in this alone.

Good luck!  And let me know how it goes!
Nissa

A Sermon on Belonging

I preached this sermon on May 31st at my internship site in Chatfield, MN.  The text was John 3:1-17.  I hope God speaks to you through these words.

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                Once my husband Tim & I were grocery shopping on a Sunday after church.  It was a busy suburban store on a weekend- Lots of people, lots of cars.  A guy stopped us on our way out- perhaps you could say he ‘attacked’ us- he asked us if we believed in Jesus.  Yes, we said, we just got back from church.  At this we were ready to be done with the interaction.  We already believe in Jesus, and that’s his goal- no need to spend more time trying to convert us.  But he wasn’t done.  ‘Are you born again?’ he asked, ‘because the Bible says you have to be born again to be saved.’  ‘Well, we’re Lutheran.’ We replied- our ice cream is already melting- we’d better go!  - But this wasn’t enough.  ‘Can I pray for your salvation?’ he asked us.  We said ‘pray all you want- we’re going home with the groceries’.  We left.

                This man basically told us- both active Christians, not to mention a soon-to-be-pastor, that our faith wasn’t enough because we didn’t have the right beliefs, and we didn’t claim being born again.  He focused first on what we believed- and only if our beliefs were ‘right’ would we belong- to the church and to God.  He put belief before belonging.  He made no connection with us.

                When belief comes before belonging like this it leads to conversations (and arguments) like the one I had with the parking lot lurker.  We accuse people of the wrong belief.  We picket and argue and blame and shame and do anything except love or listen or be a friend.  We forget to love our neighbor when we’re trying to change what they believe.

                Belief first can push connection and belonging entirely out of the way.

                Belief first people read John 3 and focus on verses like verse 18- “Those who believe are not condemned, but those who do not believe are condemned already, because they have not believed in the name of the only son of God.”

                 I imagine they might see salvation as something like this:

Belief first puts a lot of pressure on HOW people believe and WHAT people believe. 

Putting belief first is stressful.  We will never have perfect belief.  And we will never completely understand everything about God or faith- that’s a pretty constant theme through the book of John- Jesus says things and people misunderstand.  We are those people, and we misunderstand.  We will never have complete faith without doubt. 

Instead we will eternally find ourselves like Nicodemus- showing up in the dark of night, perhaps a bit afraid and embarrassed, to ask questions we think we should know.  Belief first is hard because of the pressure to have the right beliefs in the right amount.  Belief first is hard because we don’t get to belong until our beliefs are straightened out.

I propose a change to the belief first chart.  I think it should start with belonging.  Maybe it could look something like this:

That’s a bit simpler, right? 

Belonging is extremely important.  I think belonging comes first before belief in John’s gospel.   Certainly it means something to believe that Jesus is the messiah, but even before that we belong to God.  God created us.  God loves us.  John 3 tells us over and over how much we belong to God.  God loved the world so much that he sent his only son to us.  God sent the light into the world for us.  God gives us new birth from water and the Spirit. 

Before we believe, we belong.

When belonging comes first we see each other as neighbors, friends, children of God, not minds to be changed.  We find ourselves with a community, a support group, a safe place in which to ask the questions of faith, to read the Bible, to learn and shape what we believe with the guidance and support of others who will listen, love, and walk with us. 

Imagine what it would feel like to walk into a church as a newcomer and be told- in word and action- that you belong.  No strings attached.  What would it be like for newcomers and old timers to know first and foremost that you belong?  To know that you belong to a place that will be there as you figure out your beliefs, through doubt and joy and sorrow.  Together we belong- and this is part of the Good News that we proclaim- there’s no boundary to God’s belonging.    

So how do we proclaim belonging?  Maybe we start with words- words like “Jesus loves you no matter what!” or “All of your sins are forgiven!”  But we need more than words.  Maybe we proclaim belonging by supporting people in joy and difficulty- widows, alcoholics, or parents of children with special needs.  Maybe proclaiming belonging involves handing out meal tickets for a community meal, or inviting children to after school homework help.  Maybe it happens inside the grocery store buying groceries for someone whose food stamps don’t stretch very far.  Maybe it happens in mentoring at-risk youth who need to know they’re loved, or in visiting seniors who battle loneliness and depression.

When we see belonging first, we see everyone as a neighbor.  We see that God created us- God loves us- God sent the Son into the world for us.  So let’s proclaim a radical belonging, a radical welcome into this community as gathered children of God, and then as a community that belongs together we can join in Bible study and conversation about what we believe.

Look at John 3:5 for a second- “no one can enter the kingdom of God without being born of water and Spirit.”  Any confirmation kids out there?  What do we do in the church that includes water and spirit and birth?  If you answered ‘baptism’, see me later for a high five because you’re right.

In baptism we celebrate that we belong to God.  We are reborn of water and spirit.  God claims us at our baptism.  Some of the first words we speak to the newly baptized are “You belong to Christ, in whom you have been baptized.”

In the service of baptism we proclaim “we are children of a fallen humanity; by water and the Holy Spirit we are reborn children of God and made members of the church, the body of Christ” 

We say “In Holy Baptism the triune God delivers us from the forces of evil, puts our sinful self to death, gives us new birth, adopts us as children, and makes us members of the body of Christ the church.”

When Jesus is baptized in the book of Matthew, God tears apart the heavens to come down and be with Jesus.  God tears apart heaven to be with us at baptism, too, because we are God’s children too.  We belong to God. 

God loved the world so much that he sent his son to us, sent light to us, and marked us with the water and the Spirit and gave us new life in baptism.

We belong to God in this place and every place- on this day and every day.  We belong to God!

Amen.

On behalf of every woman of child-bearing age

As a young, married woman of child-bearing age, I have a message I'd like to share with you on behalf of all women of child-bearing age, married or single, partnered or with families:

Please stop asking us if we are pregnant.  Seriously.  PLEASE STOP.

This question seems to be a burning one for many of you- co-workers, church friends, family members, and random people in stores.  You are so eager to know about the status of my uterus that you just blurt out your friendly sounding question and make everything weird for both of us.  And even though it's weird, for some reason you keep asking.

Because so many people find this hard to understand, here is a comprehensive list of when it is appropriate for you to ask me if I'm pregnant:

1. You are a doctor or medical professional determining the medical appropriateness of a treatment or medication.
2. You are my husband/partner/trusted friend and I have just taken a pregnancy test.

Seriously- that's it.  Here are times when you might think it's OK to ask, but it's actually not:

1. It's so funny!  A woman just said she is hungry, tired, nauseated, or emotional- it's hilarious for me to say "are you pregnant" sarcastically!  No.  It's not funny.  Rather than make me laugh, this 'joke' makes me want to punch you in the face.  I'm already emotional or hungry or tired- you really want to make me angry?
2. Passing moment of curiosity when you notice a stereotypical attribute of pregnancy in a woman- weight gain, appetite, or sickness.  We understand that you're curious, but it's actually none of your business.  If someone is pregnant and you need to know, she'll tell you.  If you think she might be pregnant based on an observation, wait a month.  Or nine- you'll figure it out by then with out the embarrassment.

We understand that you're curious or trying to nurture your budding talent as a comedian, but there are actually many reasons you might want to hold your inquisition:

1. Many women struggle with infertility, and your question reminds her of her difficulty having a child and puts her in an awkward place to decide if she wants to share that difficulty with you.  Facing infertility is hard enough without having to decide between lying, baring her soul to you, or giving an awkward noncommittal answer.
2. Miscarriage is a difficulty for many women- and it's a primary reason why women and couples decide to keep a pregnancy private in the early stages.  It's heartbreaking to inform people you're pregnant and go back to tell them you miscarried.  
3. Many women feel very insecure about their bodies.  Many women naturally carry their extra weight in their abdomens.  Your question suggests that they look pregnant- and therefore that they look fat.  While it's probably not what you're trying to say, that's what you're saying.  
4. You are making assumptions about someone's sex life.  That is all sorts of awkward- ESPECIALLY if I am not married and ESPECIALLY if you are an elderly relative or church friend.  Your casual question about whether I'm pregnant is actually an uncomfortably personal question about my sexual activity lately.  No thanks.
5. It is generally awkward for everyone- even for those of us with a very high tolerance for awkward.  Once someone asked me if I "was in need of congratulations."  Thinking he was referring to me finding out about my internship, I said "yes!"  He commented "Ok.  Sometimes you can't tell if it's because of pregnancy or someone's let themselves go." Then we had the most awkward conversation EVER with each of us trying to explain our way out of the situation while wanting to crawl in a hole.  I feel awkward about the question, and you feel awkward for having asked the question.  Better to avoid the whole thing.

This isn't a quest just to protect feelings or keep someone from feeling bad about themselves.  Women aren't fragile- we handle hurtful comments and criticism as part of life and we manage to survive without breaking into pieces.  Sometimes we might dissolve into tears for an hour before moving on, but we can deal with your insensitive question even though it hurts.  This isn't about protecting me, it's about respecting me.  Not asking me if I'm pregnant is about respecting my boundaries and letting me share what I want to about my sex life, my medical situation, and my family planning.

So please, hold your question.  And offer me your respect.

Sincerely,
Every woman of child-bearing age

A better way for vetting pastors (Approval Essay 2.0)

As candidates for rostered ministry in the ELCA, senior seminary students are required to go through an Approval process.  This includes interviews with seminary faculty, a synod candidacy committee, and writing a 20+ page Approval Essay (conveniently due 4 days before Easter).  

The essay is intended to help the interviewers get a sense of who the candidate is- who they are as a pastoral leader, their theology and use of scripture, and their ability to preach and teach in accordance with scripture and Lutheran tradition.  

This year's essay prompt was a six-page document.  3 main sections about Person in Ministry, Core Theological Commitments and Proclamation and Context were supposed to include thorough, but concise, information on how we use theology, scripture, and Lutheran tradition to be "missional leaders" helping our churches reach outside of the maintenance model and do mission outside our walls.  All very practical and real-world topics that average parishioner would really want to read!

All snarkiness aside (ok, most snarkiness aside), I think the approval essay could use a little re-boot.  Here are my suggested essay topics to help prepare pastors for the diverse, practical, and terrifying world of ministry. 

Part One: Being a pastor

1. A parishioner comes into your office to tell you "some people are angry" about the new communion wafers.  They do not claim personal anger, nor will they tell you who is theoretically angry.  Describe your pastoral response.  -OR- A parishioner comes into your office to tell you that people are angry about the new communion wafers.  They have a petition calling for your resignation unless the wafers are returned to the original ones.  Describe your pastoral response.  
2. Write a letter to your personnel committee/executive council requesting vacation or a sabbatical.  Indicate how your time away will benefit the ministry you do.  Provide references from scripture and the writings of Martin Luther.
3. The church secretary just quit and you have two funerals during Holy Week.  Describe how you would budget your time to complete your necessary tasks while attending to your family, continuing education, hospital visits, and the upcoming stewardship campaign.

Part Two: Theology

1. A confirmation student asks you what happens to people who die without being baptized.  Give them an answer that is theologically sound, pastorally comforting, and less than 30 seconds to match the 9th grade attention span.
2. Stay up for 24 hours in a row, and then write the following: a sermon for the morning after the youth lock-in and a Bible study scheduled for 2 am at same lock-in.
3. Write a theologically sound and culturally relevant sermon on one of the following texts: Baalam's talking donkey, Psalm 137:9 (happy are those who take their little ones and dash them against the rocks), James chapter 2 (faith without works is dead), or Revelation chapter 6 (seven seals & beasts).

Part Three: Teaching, Preaching, and other things combining "Being a Pastor" and "Theology"

1. Confirmation Sunday is coming up.  You have (at least) one kid who is very uninvolved and clearly is present as a result of parental force, not personal faith.  Describe a conversation with this student and their parents about whether or not the student will be confirmed and why.  Be pastoral, but adhere to your theological and educational views.
2. You are planning a congregational meeting.  On the agenda is one of the following conversations: removing the American flag from the sanctuary, pulling the altar away from the wall to face the congregation, or making a change to Sunday worship times.  Describe your plan to lead this meeting and manage the inevitable conflict and drama that will result from these controversial topics.
3. You sit down at a budget meeting to hear the council president say "funds are tight and we've got to make some cuts to the budget."  Describe a response that would enable to frugal committee members to see the budget as an expression of the mission the church does, rather than a list of ways we spend money we don't have.  Include the words "missional," "evangelical," and "perichoretic" in your response.
4. You are leading a wedding rehearsal and an argument ensues between the bride and mother-of-the-bride about when in the service to use the unity candle.  They disagree, and ask you to weigh in on which person is right.  Describe your pastoral response.  In your response, consider that the whole wedding party and extended family are observing, everyone is tired and hungry, and be attentive to your pastoral boundaries, including strategies to avoid triangulation.  

There is no real point in providing a length limit or suggestion because pastors will either be extremely wordy or too busy to provide a long response.  Double spaced, 12-point, using either Times New Roman or Wingdings.  Paper due December 23, no exceptions.

Sounds like a great way to train and approve pastors!  

Reflections During Holy Week

As a child the Lutheran church I attended performed a yearly passion play- a drama of Christ's arrest, trial, and crucifixion.  I usually participated in this play- one of a host of children with a song to sing, a palm frond to wave, and a place in the crowd.

While the passion play made me very familiar with the story of Christ's death and resurrection, there are two particular impacts this play has had on my understanding of the crucifixion.

God as Father- literally
Several years of the passion play my Dad played Jesus in the passion play.  Nothing drives home the emotional impact of the crucifixion like watching your Father get nailed to the cross.  Year after year.  I would cry real tears each year, moved by the reality that this story was true for Jesus.  I would cry tears of relief that this story was not happening to my Dad.

I am well aware of the grief and pain and confusion felt at the foot of the cross.  I am well aware of the immense relief that death holds no power over the man on the cross.  This play made the cross real for me (without need for the gory images of movies like Passion of the Christ).  This play made the resurrection real.  Seeing my Father on the cross makes it possible to see God the Father on the cross, too.

Confusion of conflicting roles
My two primary roles as one of the hoard of children were:

1. Wave a palm branch in the triumphal procession into Jerusalem.  I would call out "Hosanna" and pile palm branches and garments on the ground before Jesus' feet.  I loved this part.  The people saw who Jesus was, honored him, and loved him.

2. Stand in the back of the sanctuary as Pilate interrogated Jesus.  I would shout "Give us Barabbas" and "crucify him!"  I was instructed to act angry.  I hated this part.  The people were angry and hateful towards Jesus.

These two roles have made me perpetually confused about how the whole thing went down.  How come one day everyone's excited to see Jesus come into town, then suddenly the next day they're angry enough to kill him?  Since I played both roles, I assumed it was the same group of people in the story playing both roles, as well.  How did everyone go from loving Jesus to hating Jesus?

The generic wording of everyone in the Bible as "the Jews" never helped this confusion, either.  But with study and conversation I've begun to realize how different these groups were.  A group that loved and adored and believed in Jesus was a threat to a group that saw Jesus as a heretic and a threat and a liar.  The limited number of actors in my play couldn't speak adequately to the complex political and social climate that led to Jesus' death.


The passion is a complex and moving story.  I see different things every time I read it, yet my experiences are shaped by how I saw and heard the story growing up.  It continues to be an emotional story- hard to read, but life-giving when combined with the resurrection of a God who cannot be bound by the grave.  He is risen- Alleluia!

I don't know where I'm from...

Whenever you meet anyone, in any circumstance, usually one of the first questions is "where are you from?"  I do not know how to answer that question.  I do not know where I'm from.

It seems like a simple question.  But like most things when you're a chronic over-analyzer like me, it isn't that simple.  The simple question is "where do you live?" or "where did you grow up?"  But "where are you from?" comes with a need to delve into your history and allow the places you've lived to make a claim on you.

When posed with this innocent question, I either give the short answer "I'm a Minnesota girl", or I launch into an overly detailed and unsolicited story of where I've lived and how I fit into those places.

Here's my unsolicited, overly complicated story:  I grew up in Minnesota, but 2 days after my 13th birthday we moved to Texas.  I went to most of high school in Texas, but then we moved to Ohio for my senior year.  I came back to Minnesota for college.  I only lived in Texas for 4 years, and I'm definitely not a Texan.  I only lived in Ohio for one year, plus summers at camp, and I have even fewer roots there- not an Ohioan (so much so that I never really figured out if it is Ohio-an or Ohi-an).  But I never feel like I can claim Minnesota, because I didn't go to high school here.  And while there's not a firm rule for "how long or when you have to live somewhere to claim being from there," it seems to be a pretty common standard that high school is the place you're from.  Except that I'm pretty clearly not from either of the places I went to high school (lack of invite to either 10 year reunion makes that abundantly clear).  So I guess I'm mostly from Minnesota.  But then I don't know if I can claim a particular suburb of the Twin Cities- I've lived in Maple Grove for 6.5 years- is that enough to be from there?  I lived in Savage longer, but over 15 years ago...so I'm from Minnesota mostly?

This conversation tends to be both boring and awkward- not the best first impression.  I need a new first impression, and my unique abilities like quoting Canadian TV show "Corner Gas" word for word or having a related camp song to any topic of conversation don't seem to be less boring and awkward.

I know I'm not the only one with these get-to-know-you-question insecurities.  So I'm making a rule for myself and anyone else who wants to follow it: say you're from whatever place you want.  Maybe the place you like the best.  Or the place you lived the longest.  Or for simplicity, maybe just say you're from where you live now!  Don't feel like you have to explain the back story of every home you've had.  You're talking to a stranger, for goodness sake- they probably won't run a background check on the veracity of your statement.

Just as the dumb choices you made in high school don't have to define who you are today, the place you lived in high school or as an infant don't have to define you, either.  Be you.  No matter where you live or where you used to live.

Hello, world.  I am Nissa.  I am from Minnesota.  How about you?

How to be tall

This is not a post about how to BECOME tall.  You'll need to refer to genetics and nutrition for that.  This is a post about BEING tall.  Because being tall is very different than being short.  Or being regular height.

I am a tall lady.  I'm just a tad shy of 6' tall, but even that often sets me as the tallest person in a room, and certainly the tallest lady.  (Unless of course I'm in a room with anyone I'm related to- then I tend to feel short)

So with my vast years of experience being tall, here are my tips on how to BE tall:

1. Come up with a witty response to annoying questions.
No, I don't play basketball- do you play miniature golf?  I'm 6' tall, how short are you?  The weather's awesome up here- it rains gumdrops every day!  Seriously, it gets old after a while.  The trick is to answer these questions being witty but not rude.  Rudeness has its place, but not usually with people who know you poorly enough to ask such silly questions. 

2. Learn to enjoy your ankles and your wrists.
Seriously.  You'll be seeing them often, as every shirt and pair of pants you own is probably too short.  Thumb holes in sleeves?  Won't ever work.  My 6'6" brother is all torso- he probably hasn't successfully tucked in a shirt since he was 8 years old.  On rare occasions that you find 'tall' items in stores, you will rejoice.

3. Stand up straight.
You will have enough back problems from dealing with a world made for short people.  Don't make it worse by slouching.  This can be a challenge if you are self-conscious of your height and don't want to stick out (ahem, teenage girls), or if you need to hear a conversation among short people.  When I sing in my church choir I often take a comedically wide stance to lower my ears to a level that I can actually hear the shorties next to me.

4. Wear what you want*.
NOBODY gets to tell me I can't wear high heels.  I don't wear high heels, but that's mostly because they're uncomfortable.  Partly because I already can't hear people during conversations because my ears are a foot higher, but for the most part my height doesn't dictate my shoe choice.  Don't fall for the magazine articles telling you how to look taller or slimmer or whatever.  Wear what you like.  And what fits.  And is comfortable.  And you can afford.  
*But please don't wear inappropriately short dresses.  If you try it on and you can't tell if it's supposed to be a shirt or a dress, it probably was made for someone way shorter than you.  Put it back!

5. Don't be vain (maybe a little proud, but not obnoxious).
Enjoy your tallness, but don't lord it over people like it makes you better than them.  We all know that one guy who is a pain in the neck about how wonderful he is.  My guess is he's a tall guy- and his ego matches his height.  In my experience, short guys are nice and tall guys are full of themselves.  This is not a universal truth, OK?  These are my impressions from my high school days, not the real world.  And I'm NOT talking about you, whoever you are- unless you're my brother, because operation-ego-deflation was invented because of you. 

6. Never apologize for being tall.
Obviously there's no reason to.  But people might try to make you feel bad for the genetic hand they were dealt.  Or might try to make you feel like there's something wrong with you.  There isn't.  You are the way you are and you can't change it (nor should you want to).  

7. Help out the little people.
Grocery stores are a place we never have trouble, but sometimes short people can't reach that last box of Cap'n Crunch.  Help the little old ladies out!  I once saved a short mom from an acrobatic feat involving her pre-schooler to get a box of cereal.  Ma'am, put the child down.  I've got this.  Who's the super hero now?

8. Customize.
Just because the standard sink is about as tall as your shins doesn't mean you need to put up with that.  Houses have things that can change*.  Buy a tall sink.  Put it on a pedastal.  Raise your mirror up another 6 inches so you can see your face.  Ditch the head-endangering chandelier for any other non-lethal form of lighting.  
*unless you're renting, in which case too bad for you.

9. Your height doesn't dictate your relationships.
Being tall doesn't define who you can or cannot date.  Or marry.  Or be friends with.  My darling husband is much shorter than me.  And we joke about it all the time.  But he's great and wonderful and I love him- because he's a great person, not because of his height or his looks or any aspect of his appearance.  Don't be shallow.  Love who you love, and don't let anyone tell you it's not OK.

10. I don't have a tenth thing, but a list of 9 seems weird.

There it is- my definitive wisdom about how to be tall. 
Nissa