A better way for vetting pastors (Approval Essay 2.0)

As candidates for rostered ministry in the ELCA, senior seminary students are required to go through an Approval process.  This includes interviews with seminary faculty, a synod candidacy committee, and writing a 20+ page Approval Essay (conveniently due 4 days before Easter).  

The essay is intended to help the interviewers get a sense of who the candidate is- who they are as a pastoral leader, their theology and use of scripture, and their ability to preach and teach in accordance with scripture and Lutheran tradition.  

This year's essay prompt was a six-page document.  3 main sections about Person in Ministry, Core Theological Commitments and Proclamation and Context were supposed to include thorough, but concise, information on how we use theology, scripture, and Lutheran tradition to be "missional leaders" helping our churches reach outside of the maintenance model and do mission outside our walls.  All very practical and real-world topics that average parishioner would really want to read!

All snarkiness aside (ok, most snarkiness aside), I think the approval essay could use a little re-boot.  Here are my suggested essay topics to help prepare pastors for the diverse, practical, and terrifying world of ministry. 

Part One: Being a pastor

1. A parishioner comes into your office to tell you "some people are angry" about the new communion wafers.  They do not claim personal anger, nor will they tell you who is theoretically angry.  Describe your pastoral response.  -OR- A parishioner comes into your office to tell you that people are angry about the new communion wafers.  They have a petition calling for your resignation unless the wafers are returned to the original ones.  Describe your pastoral response.  
2. Write a letter to your personnel committee/executive council requesting vacation or a sabbatical.  Indicate how your time away will benefit the ministry you do.  Provide references from scripture and the writings of Martin Luther.
3. The church secretary just quit and you have two funerals during Holy Week.  Describe how you would budget your time to complete your necessary tasks while attending to your family, continuing education, hospital visits, and the upcoming stewardship campaign.

Part Two: Theology

1. A confirmation student asks you what happens to people who die without being baptized.  Give them an answer that is theologically sound, pastorally comforting, and less than 30 seconds to match the 9th grade attention span.
2. Stay up for 24 hours in a row, and then write the following: a sermon for the morning after the youth lock-in and a Bible study scheduled for 2 am at same lock-in.
3. Write a theologically sound and culturally relevant sermon on one of the following texts: Baalam's talking donkey, Psalm 137:9 (happy are those who take their little ones and dash them against the rocks), James chapter 2 (faith without works is dead), or Revelation chapter 6 (seven seals & beasts).

Part Three: Teaching, Preaching, and other things combining "Being a Pastor" and "Theology"

1. Confirmation Sunday is coming up.  You have (at least) one kid who is very uninvolved and clearly is present as a result of parental force, not personal faith.  Describe a conversation with this student and their parents about whether or not the student will be confirmed and why.  Be pastoral, but adhere to your theological and educational views.
2. You are planning a congregational meeting.  On the agenda is one of the following conversations: removing the American flag from the sanctuary, pulling the altar away from the wall to face the congregation, or making a change to Sunday worship times.  Describe your plan to lead this meeting and manage the inevitable conflict and drama that will result from these controversial topics.
3. You sit down at a budget meeting to hear the council president say "funds are tight and we've got to make some cuts to the budget."  Describe a response that would enable to frugal committee members to see the budget as an expression of the mission the church does, rather than a list of ways we spend money we don't have.  Include the words "missional," "evangelical," and "perichoretic" in your response.
4. You are leading a wedding rehearsal and an argument ensues between the bride and mother-of-the-bride about when in the service to use the unity candle.  They disagree, and ask you to weigh in on which person is right.  Describe your pastoral response.  In your response, consider that the whole wedding party and extended family are observing, everyone is tired and hungry, and be attentive to your pastoral boundaries, including strategies to avoid triangulation.  

There is no real point in providing a length limit or suggestion because pastors will either be extremely wordy or too busy to provide a long response.  Double spaced, 12-point, using either Times New Roman or Wingdings.  Paper due December 23, no exceptions.

Sounds like a great way to train and approve pastors!