On behalf of every woman of child-bearing age

As a young, married woman of child-bearing age, I have a message I'd like to share with you on behalf of all women of child-bearing age, married or single, partnered or with families:

Please stop asking us if we are pregnant.  Seriously.  PLEASE STOP.

This question seems to be a burning one for many of you- co-workers, church friends, family members, and random people in stores.  You are so eager to know about the status of my uterus that you just blurt out your friendly sounding question and make everything weird for both of us.  And even though it's weird, for some reason you keep asking.

Because so many people find this hard to understand, here is a comprehensive list of when it is appropriate for you to ask me if I'm pregnant:

1. You are a doctor or medical professional determining the medical appropriateness of a treatment or medication.
2. You are my husband/partner/trusted friend and I have just taken a pregnancy test.

Seriously- that's it.  Here are times when you might think it's OK to ask, but it's actually not:

1. It's so funny!  A woman just said she is hungry, tired, nauseated, or emotional- it's hilarious for me to say "are you pregnant" sarcastically!  No.  It's not funny.  Rather than make me laugh, this 'joke' makes me want to punch you in the face.  I'm already emotional or hungry or tired- you really want to make me angry?
2. Passing moment of curiosity when you notice a stereotypical attribute of pregnancy in a woman- weight gain, appetite, or sickness.  We understand that you're curious, but it's actually none of your business.  If someone is pregnant and you need to know, she'll tell you.  If you think she might be pregnant based on an observation, wait a month.  Or nine- you'll figure it out by then with out the embarrassment.

We understand that you're curious or trying to nurture your budding talent as a comedian, but there are actually many reasons you might want to hold your inquisition:

1. Many women struggle with infertility, and your question reminds her of her difficulty having a child and puts her in an awkward place to decide if she wants to share that difficulty with you.  Facing infertility is hard enough without having to decide between lying, baring her soul to you, or giving an awkward noncommittal answer.
2. Miscarriage is a difficulty for many women- and it's a primary reason why women and couples decide to keep a pregnancy private in the early stages.  It's heartbreaking to inform people you're pregnant and go back to tell them you miscarried.  
3. Many women feel very insecure about their bodies.  Many women naturally carry their extra weight in their abdomens.  Your question suggests that they look pregnant- and therefore that they look fat.  While it's probably not what you're trying to say, that's what you're saying.  
4. You are making assumptions about someone's sex life.  That is all sorts of awkward- ESPECIALLY if I am not married and ESPECIALLY if you are an elderly relative or church friend.  Your casual question about whether I'm pregnant is actually an uncomfortably personal question about my sexual activity lately.  No thanks.
5. It is generally awkward for everyone- even for those of us with a very high tolerance for awkward.  Once someone asked me if I "was in need of congratulations."  Thinking he was referring to me finding out about my internship, I said "yes!"  He commented "Ok.  Sometimes you can't tell if it's because of pregnancy or someone's let themselves go." Then we had the most awkward conversation EVER with each of us trying to explain our way out of the situation while wanting to crawl in a hole.  I feel awkward about the question, and you feel awkward for having asked the question.  Better to avoid the whole thing.

This isn't a quest just to protect feelings or keep someone from feeling bad about themselves.  Women aren't fragile- we handle hurtful comments and criticism as part of life and we manage to survive without breaking into pieces.  Sometimes we might dissolve into tears for an hour before moving on, but we can deal with your insensitive question even though it hurts.  This isn't about protecting me, it's about respecting me.  Not asking me if I'm pregnant is about respecting my boundaries and letting me share what I want to about my sex life, my medical situation, and my family planning.

So please, hold your question.  And offer me your respect.

Sincerely,
Every woman of child-bearing age