How to Name a Baby

Now that the little peanut I'm incubating is getting close to joining the real world, the topic of baby names has been front and center in my mind.

Naming a human being is hard. Much harder than naming, say, a Barbie doll or stuffed animal, which is where most of my naming expertise lies.  I did once sit on a 7-person committee to name 5 kittens, but when there are more people than cats, you end up with your Mom declaring that one is named Fred, but spelled "Phred," and since you're only 12 you don't get a veto.

Fortunately, when you're naming a baby you're usually only on a committee of 2 or less. With major veto power. But it is still hard, so I've compiled this handy guide.

How to Name a Baby

1. Start when you're little. Imagine the name you'll give to your theoretical progeny. Write it in your diary. Tell your sister and your best friend. Like in Anne of Green Gables, where she decides that she wants to name her kids 'Denim' and 'Lace.' Get angry at anyone who ever says they like that name, because it is YOURS.

2. Once you find yourself in a situation where you are actually in charge of naming a human, eagerly pull out your childhood list of what you've been planning on naming children before puberty was even a speck on the horizon.

3. Gape in astonishment at your significant other (SO) when he tells you he doesn't have any sort of similar list. Apparently he hasn't been daydreaming about his theoretical future children since reading Anne of Green Gables (make a note to ask if he has ever actually READ Anne of Green Gables).

4. Realize that ALL the names on your list are actually terrible names. Especially 'Denim' and 'Lace.'  Maybe they were great for your Barbie dolls, but not for an actual human being born in this century.

5. Since your only existing list is now worthless, you have to create a new one with your SO. Buy or borrow a book of baby names. Take to the internet. Millions of names exist! Or can be created! Clearly the best way to find the RIGHT one is to look through all of them. In list form. EVERY SINGLE ONE.

6. Quickly get bored and overwhelmed by reading through alphabetical lists of names. Give up.

7. Realize you can't actually give up, because this human needs a name.

8. Make a plan that you and your SO will each make a list of your top 10 names and share them with each other before democratically narrowing down the choices and agreeing blissfully on the perfect name with no disagreement at all.

9. Make your list that day, and wait approximately forever for your SO's list.

10. While waiting for your SO's list, randomly ask him how he feels about a particular name. Perhaps particular names that happen to be on your own list. Ask both randomly and frequently. In the middle of dinner, when he gets home from work at 6 am, in the waiting room at the prenatal appointment, in the car on the way to church.

11. Spend more energy coming up with terrible names than actual possibilities of real names. Pick real winners, like 'Peter Peterson' and 'Schmarzando Nard.' Or Rocket.

DISCLAIMER: Ok, so at this point I feel that I should let you all know that I haven't ever completed this process. I've never successfully named a human. You've probably realized that I'm not an expert, but I'm also unexperienced. I've named a few dolls, and creatively dubbed my pink teddy bear 'Pinky', but no humans. Aside from snarky nicknames, of course, but those are usually secret, something for which Captain Fussypants Magoo would be grateful if they knew who they were.

Since I've never gotten this far, here's what I imagine goes down in the hospital after baby arrives:

12. After baby is born, scrap everything you'd decided prior to this point.

13. Select a name that wasn't ever being considered but you can both sort of agree on before the deadline for filling out the birth certificate.

14. Prepare yourself for a barrage of comments on why the name you picked was actually the worst. Decide you don't care, and get on with the joy of taking care of a baby, which should be a walk in the park now that the baby has a name.  (That's how it works, right?)

I hope this guide is extremely helpful for all of you struggling to name a human.
Best of luck to you!
Nissa