On behalf of every woman of child-bearing age

As a young, married woman of child-bearing age, I have a message I'd like to share with you on behalf of all women of child-bearing age, married or single, partnered or with families:

Please stop asking us if we are pregnant.  Seriously.  PLEASE STOP.

This question seems to be a burning one for many of you- co-workers, church friends, family members, and random people in stores.  You are so eager to know about the status of my uterus that you just blurt out your friendly sounding question and make everything weird for both of us.  And even though it's weird, for some reason you keep asking.

Because so many people find this hard to understand, here is a comprehensive list of when it is appropriate for you to ask me if I'm pregnant:

1. You are a doctor or medical professional determining the medical appropriateness of a treatment or medication.
2. You are my husband/partner/trusted friend and I have just taken a pregnancy test.

Seriously- that's it.  Here are times when you might think it's OK to ask, but it's actually not:

1. It's so funny!  A woman just said she is hungry, tired, nauseated, or emotional- it's hilarious for me to say "are you pregnant" sarcastically!  No.  It's not funny.  Rather than make me laugh, this 'joke' makes me want to punch you in the face.  I'm already emotional or hungry or tired- you really want to make me angry?
2. Passing moment of curiosity when you notice a stereotypical attribute of pregnancy in a woman- weight gain, appetite, or sickness.  We understand that you're curious, but it's actually none of your business.  If someone is pregnant and you need to know, she'll tell you.  If you think she might be pregnant based on an observation, wait a month.  Or nine- you'll figure it out by then with out the embarrassment.

We understand that you're curious or trying to nurture your budding talent as a comedian, but there are actually many reasons you might want to hold your inquisition:

1. Many women struggle with infertility, and your question reminds her of her difficulty having a child and puts her in an awkward place to decide if she wants to share that difficulty with you.  Facing infertility is hard enough without having to decide between lying, baring her soul to you, or giving an awkward noncommittal answer.
2. Miscarriage is a difficulty for many women- and it's a primary reason why women and couples decide to keep a pregnancy private in the early stages.  It's heartbreaking to inform people you're pregnant and go back to tell them you miscarried.  
3. Many women feel very insecure about their bodies.  Many women naturally carry their extra weight in their abdomens.  Your question suggests that they look pregnant- and therefore that they look fat.  While it's probably not what you're trying to say, that's what you're saying.  
4. You are making assumptions about someone's sex life.  That is all sorts of awkward- ESPECIALLY if I am not married and ESPECIALLY if you are an elderly relative or church friend.  Your casual question about whether I'm pregnant is actually an uncomfortably personal question about my sexual activity lately.  No thanks.
5. It is generally awkward for everyone- even for those of us with a very high tolerance for awkward.  Once someone asked me if I "was in need of congratulations."  Thinking he was referring to me finding out about my internship, I said "yes!"  He commented "Ok.  Sometimes you can't tell if it's because of pregnancy or someone's let themselves go." Then we had the most awkward conversation EVER with each of us trying to explain our way out of the situation while wanting to crawl in a hole.  I feel awkward about the question, and you feel awkward for having asked the question.  Better to avoid the whole thing.

This isn't a quest just to protect feelings or keep someone from feeling bad about themselves.  Women aren't fragile- we handle hurtful comments and criticism as part of life and we manage to survive without breaking into pieces.  Sometimes we might dissolve into tears for an hour before moving on, but we can deal with your insensitive question even though it hurts.  This isn't about protecting me, it's about respecting me.  Not asking me if I'm pregnant is about respecting my boundaries and letting me share what I want to about my sex life, my medical situation, and my family planning.

So please, hold your question.  And offer me your respect.

Sincerely,
Every woman of child-bearing age

A better way for vetting pastors (Approval Essay 2.0)

As candidates for rostered ministry in the ELCA, senior seminary students are required to go through an Approval process.  This includes interviews with seminary faculty, a synod candidacy committee, and writing a 20+ page Approval Essay (conveniently due 4 days before Easter).  

The essay is intended to help the interviewers get a sense of who the candidate is- who they are as a pastoral leader, their theology and use of scripture, and their ability to preach and teach in accordance with scripture and Lutheran tradition.  

This year's essay prompt was a six-page document.  3 main sections about Person in Ministry, Core Theological Commitments and Proclamation and Context were supposed to include thorough, but concise, information on how we use theology, scripture, and Lutheran tradition to be "missional leaders" helping our churches reach outside of the maintenance model and do mission outside our walls.  All very practical and real-world topics that average parishioner would really want to read!

All snarkiness aside (ok, most snarkiness aside), I think the approval essay could use a little re-boot.  Here are my suggested essay topics to help prepare pastors for the diverse, practical, and terrifying world of ministry. 

Part One: Being a pastor

1. A parishioner comes into your office to tell you "some people are angry" about the new communion wafers.  They do not claim personal anger, nor will they tell you who is theoretically angry.  Describe your pastoral response.  -OR- A parishioner comes into your office to tell you that people are angry about the new communion wafers.  They have a petition calling for your resignation unless the wafers are returned to the original ones.  Describe your pastoral response.  
2. Write a letter to your personnel committee/executive council requesting vacation or a sabbatical.  Indicate how your time away will benefit the ministry you do.  Provide references from scripture and the writings of Martin Luther.
3. The church secretary just quit and you have two funerals during Holy Week.  Describe how you would budget your time to complete your necessary tasks while attending to your family, continuing education, hospital visits, and the upcoming stewardship campaign.

Part Two: Theology

1. A confirmation student asks you what happens to people who die without being baptized.  Give them an answer that is theologically sound, pastorally comforting, and less than 30 seconds to match the 9th grade attention span.
2. Stay up for 24 hours in a row, and then write the following: a sermon for the morning after the youth lock-in and a Bible study scheduled for 2 am at same lock-in.
3. Write a theologically sound and culturally relevant sermon on one of the following texts: Baalam's talking donkey, Psalm 137:9 (happy are those who take their little ones and dash them against the rocks), James chapter 2 (faith without works is dead), or Revelation chapter 6 (seven seals & beasts).

Part Three: Teaching, Preaching, and other things combining "Being a Pastor" and "Theology"

1. Confirmation Sunday is coming up.  You have (at least) one kid who is very uninvolved and clearly is present as a result of parental force, not personal faith.  Describe a conversation with this student and their parents about whether or not the student will be confirmed and why.  Be pastoral, but adhere to your theological and educational views.
2. You are planning a congregational meeting.  On the agenda is one of the following conversations: removing the American flag from the sanctuary, pulling the altar away from the wall to face the congregation, or making a change to Sunday worship times.  Describe your plan to lead this meeting and manage the inevitable conflict and drama that will result from these controversial topics.
3. You sit down at a budget meeting to hear the council president say "funds are tight and we've got to make some cuts to the budget."  Describe a response that would enable to frugal committee members to see the budget as an expression of the mission the church does, rather than a list of ways we spend money we don't have.  Include the words "missional," "evangelical," and "perichoretic" in your response.
4. You are leading a wedding rehearsal and an argument ensues between the bride and mother-of-the-bride about when in the service to use the unity candle.  They disagree, and ask you to weigh in on which person is right.  Describe your pastoral response.  In your response, consider that the whole wedding party and extended family are observing, everyone is tired and hungry, and be attentive to your pastoral boundaries, including strategies to avoid triangulation.  

There is no real point in providing a length limit or suggestion because pastors will either be extremely wordy or too busy to provide a long response.  Double spaced, 12-point, using either Times New Roman or Wingdings.  Paper due December 23, no exceptions.

Sounds like a great way to train and approve pastors!  

Reflections During Holy Week

As a child the Lutheran church I attended performed a yearly passion play- a drama of Christ's arrest, trial, and crucifixion.  I usually participated in this play- one of a host of children with a song to sing, a palm frond to wave, and a place in the crowd.

While the passion play made me very familiar with the story of Christ's death and resurrection, there are two particular impacts this play has had on my understanding of the crucifixion.

God as Father- literally
Several years of the passion play my Dad played Jesus in the passion play.  Nothing drives home the emotional impact of the crucifixion like watching your Father get nailed to the cross.  Year after year.  I would cry real tears each year, moved by the reality that this story was true for Jesus.  I would cry tears of relief that this story was not happening to my Dad.

I am well aware of the grief and pain and confusion felt at the foot of the cross.  I am well aware of the immense relief that death holds no power over the man on the cross.  This play made the cross real for me (without need for the gory images of movies like Passion of the Christ).  This play made the resurrection real.  Seeing my Father on the cross makes it possible to see God the Father on the cross, too.

Confusion of conflicting roles
My two primary roles as one of the hoard of children were:

1. Wave a palm branch in the triumphal procession into Jerusalem.  I would call out "Hosanna" and pile palm branches and garments on the ground before Jesus' feet.  I loved this part.  The people saw who Jesus was, honored him, and loved him.

2. Stand in the back of the sanctuary as Pilate interrogated Jesus.  I would shout "Give us Barabbas" and "crucify him!"  I was instructed to act angry.  I hated this part.  The people were angry and hateful towards Jesus.

These two roles have made me perpetually confused about how the whole thing went down.  How come one day everyone's excited to see Jesus come into town, then suddenly the next day they're angry enough to kill him?  Since I played both roles, I assumed it was the same group of people in the story playing both roles, as well.  How did everyone go from loving Jesus to hating Jesus?

The generic wording of everyone in the Bible as "the Jews" never helped this confusion, either.  But with study and conversation I've begun to realize how different these groups were.  A group that loved and adored and believed in Jesus was a threat to a group that saw Jesus as a heretic and a threat and a liar.  The limited number of actors in my play couldn't speak adequately to the complex political and social climate that led to Jesus' death.


The passion is a complex and moving story.  I see different things every time I read it, yet my experiences are shaped by how I saw and heard the story growing up.  It continues to be an emotional story- hard to read, but life-giving when combined with the resurrection of a God who cannot be bound by the grave.  He is risen- Alleluia!