How to Make Small Talk with a Pregnant Woman

So I'm pregnant. (Surprise!) In the last few months I've noticed something odd: people don't seem to know how to talk with a pregnant woman. At church, in the office, in line at the grocery store. What do you say to her?

Many people seem to be completely stumped as to how to converse with a woman who is with child. This is evidenced by A) inappropriate comments or questions or B) the same comments and questions every time. So to ease your discomfort (and hers!), I've prepared this handy guide on How to Make Small Talk with a Pregnant Woman*.  Enjoy!

*This guide assumes that you already know she is pregnant. If you are unsure, please reference my prior post on when it is appropriate to ask a woman if she's pregnant.  (Spoiler alert, the answer is never.)

1. Boring is better than offensive. The same 3 questions do get old. Very old. "How are you feeling? When are you due? Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?" But, I'd prefer to answer the same question the 50th time than to try to navigate a response to something that is inappropriate or offensive. When you tell me that I'm "as big as a house", do I answer with the snarky, sarcastic comments that probably aren't quite right for Sunday morning coffee hour, or do I laugh and pretend you aren't a jerk? Stick with asking when I'm due. You don't remember the answer from the last 6 times you asked, anyway.

2. Put your comments through the "Would my wife smack me if I said this to her" test. This handy test can help you avoid making the offensive comments from number 1. Before you let words out of your mouth, ask yourself if your wife (or mother, sister, friend, etc) would get upset hearing them. How would it go telling your wife that she's "getting HUGE" or is "as big as a house!" Where would you sleep that night? If a comment would make your wife upset, please don't say it to a hormonal, emotional woman. She might very well smack you, too.

3. Make sure your question doesn't make you look like an idiot. My 3 year old niece commonly asks me "do you still have that baby in your tummy?" It's adorable- because she's 3 and clearly doesn't have a firm grasp on the concept of pregnancy. When adults ask "you still haven't had that baby yet?" it just makes them seem... unintelligent. Do they think I already had the baby, but just left it in the car?
The same is true of the question "do you know what you're having?" Yes, I know what I'm having- it's a baby. Not a kitten or a koala or a basketball. Seriously- I know you mean to ask if I know the sex of the baby, but you literally just asked me WHAT might emerge from my nether regions. Even the 3 year-old knows it will be a baby.

4. Leave the horror stories for Halloween. Please. We don't want to hear about your 90 hour labor, or the cousin's friend who gave birth to a 15 pound baby and hasn't walked normally since then. Carrying and birthing a baby is scary enough without your story waking me up sobbing in the middle of the night. Just don't.

5. Don't ask a  question you don't want an honest answer to. There are parts of my pregnancy that you, kind almost-stranger, don't really want to know about. And I can't guarantee what sort of mood I'll be in when you ask. I could give you the polite answer, or you could get an entire list of every discomfort I've experienced AND every fear I have for the birthing room. There are some questions you'd best avoid if you're not prepared for a conversation about bodily fluids, functions, and parts.

6. Let the future miseries stay in the future. I am fully aware that when the baby comes I will not get very much sleep. I realize that my body will still have quirks and discomforts after the baby is born. I know parenting will be hard. You don't need to point it out to me. Especially not after I've made a comment about the current things I'm experiencing. My comment that I'm tired is really just an answer to how I'm feeling, not an invitation for you to tell me how much MORE tired I'll be at 2am a month from now when I haven't slept for more than 45 minutes at a time in weeks. The fact that I will be miserable in the future doesn't actually change the fact that I am somewhat miserable now. I AM tired now, even if I will be more tired tomorrow.

7. Don't fixate on our bodies. We are well aware of our bodies. Please let part of our conversation be about something OTHER than our growing bellies, swollen limbs, and tired feet. We are WELL aware of them. Our spirits, intellect, and emotions are also part of this whole baby growing thing we've got going on: feel free to ask us how we're coping, what we're excited about, or what we've found unexpected in this process.

8. Regular stuff is not off limits! Believe it or not, pregnant women are actually aware of the world beyond themselves. It is 100% acceptable to have a 'regular' conversation about weather, office shenanigans, or funny stories with a pregnant woman. If you're feeling stuck still, here are some great conversation starters that anyone would appreciate:

• Have you seen [the newest movie]? I've heard it's great!
• If you had unlimited money to take one vacation this year, where would you go and what would you do?
• What are you looking forward to about the next year?
• What's your favorite smell?
• I'm not sure what to make for dinner tonight. What is your family having?

I hope this helpful guide has prepared you for wonderful conversations with the mothers-to-be in your life! I'd love to hear stories of your successes (or failures) in this area.
Happy conversing!
Nissa